The main question I have for you guys: Do the charts and quote help you get a deeper understanding of what Im writing? I want them to speak for themselves in a way, where I don’t have to necessarily mention them in the writing, but they play an important role in the transitioning of subtopics. Thanks!
Writing and organizational cultures
The graphics do help because they bring to life what you are talking about. Paraphrasing helps, but the graphics create a deeper level of understanding as the reader is able to see exactly what you are talking about and in a way, “put a face to the name.” I like how you started off with your own experience, I think that put a great light and transition into your work and ending with a quote tied in nicely. The only thing I would say is maybe break down the first paragraph into a smaller one to give it an easier flow and break it up instead of one large paragraph. Overall you did a very nice job!
I think the inclusion of graphs help a lot, they push the audience through the work visually. I also think that they simplify all of the information making it a lot easier to understand your purpose. I also like how you include big picture facts, it really emphasizes the important aspects you are touching on. I agree with the comment above that the first paragraph would be easier to read visually and informationally if you broke it up into multiple. Overall great start!
In this paper you provide a very compelling topic and your own personal background in a city facing its own cultural issues. Not only are you able to dive deep into the disparities and inequalities faced by these individuals but you are able to provide references and charts proving the injustices faced. I think they are a very helpful tool and are used well in accordance with the topic of your paper.
Can you please edit your post to include a bit more detail about your intended rhetorical situation? That’s key to helping us understand what kind of feedback to offer you. You include an explanatory note in your draft (though it’s not clear until part way through that that is the note and not part of the draft), but it would be more helpful to have it here instead.